Google narcissists and nine-times-out-of-ten you’ll find stories and advice about dealing with a narcissist in a romantic setting. But what about when your best friend is a narcissist? Can you spot the signs? Do you know how to unravel yourself from their arrogance and abuse?
When Melissa (not her actual name) and I first met, our friendship was like many other friendships in my life. We spent time together, worked on our businesses together, bounced ideas off of each other and messaged and sent voice notes throughout the day. Eventually we started going on trips together or I’d visit her for weekends of restaurants, shopping and hanging out in general.
Then, one day without warning, I received a nearly 20-minute long voice note from Melissa detailing all the ways I allegedly was a shitty friend to her. This was my first red flag — the audacity to record a message to someone outlining and critiquing every perceived slight over three years of friendship is unhinged, controlling, and classic narcissistic behaviour!
Let me rewind and set the scene. Melissa and I had plans to visit a spa. We’d been talking about it for months. In fact, she suggested it. I was on a solo spa date about 2 hours from her house and in a message sent to her whilst there, I mentioned that the spa was excellent and that I’d happily visit again.
She texted back: Looks gorgeous. When we going? After a bit of back and forth, we settled on a date. She volunteered to book the Air BnB and the plans were put in motion. But things fell apart when, due to unforeseen change in circumstances, I needed to alter the plans slightly and Melissa kicked off, explaining in great detail what she needed from our trip and why our plans needed to remain unchanged because it was what was best for her. Staying true to her narcissist roots, Melissa was only interested in putting her own needs first.
To be brief, she insisted we stay over instead of just doing a spa day and when I told her I could no longer stay over, she began to insist that we had to because I would need to collect her from the train station since she wasn’t comfortable driving 2 hours. Her unreasonable expectations for me to pick her up and drop her off at the train station was my next sign that Melissa was a narcissist.
I told Melissa that as capable and competent adults, we were both responsible for getting ourselves to the spa and I wouldn’t be picking her up from the station nor dropping her off and that I could instead meet her at the spa in the morning. Instead of accepting this, Melissa followed up with a 17-minute voice note and at the heart of it was Melissa feeling like she needed to “edit herself” because I wouldn’t be her driver.
What was really going on was Melissa was relying on a crutch she’d relied on since we met. What I thought was friendship was Melissa using and exploiting me. It occurred over and over in the three years we knew each other — from Melissa never supporting my business, asking for and accepting free services from me but never reciprocating it to when she made a physical product in my likeness, put it in her shop and sold it without ever asking my permission or even offering a share of the profits of the money she made off my actual body! Through the beauty of hindsight, I’m able to see that the crux of our friendship was always skewed in Melissa’s best interest — what mattered was what she could get out of me. How she could use me to reach her goals and fulfill her needs. It was never a two-way street.
It was always extreme, too. Even one summer when Melissa was visiting me (the only time she ever made the trip to my house), her train home was cancelled due to a heatwave. In fact, all trains across the UK were either cancelled or severely delayed, which meant Melissa would need to find an alternative route home or continue to stay at my house. She called her husband, desperate to be back home but even he refused to drive 4 hours to collect her and drive 4 hours back home again. So she turned to me and had the audacity to ask me to make an 8-hour round trip just to get her home. “I’ll give you money for petrol,” she offered. When I refused because it was noon on a Sunday and I would need to be up at 8 the next morning for work, she sulked and gave me the silent treatment!
Of course, it wasn’t all bad. She wasn’t always a controlling, unreasonable friend. We had a lot of laughs and good times and for a while, I genuinely enjoyed her company. Like many narcissists, Melissa was great at love bombing. Sending unexpected gifts in the post, having flowers and plants delivered to my house without prompting, surprising me with tee shirts and treats…
But when the cracks started to appear, I wasn’t able to look away, but I also wasn’t able to speak up about them. One of my flaws is that I avoid conflict. About 18 months before I ended our friendship, I’d explained to Melissa that, after she fired me from doing her marketing, I was concerned we’d talk a lot less and that it would affect our friendship.
Her reaction? She laughed in my face. But I was right. We started to drift apart at that point. Call me crazy, but someone literally laughing in your face when you express concerns isn’t pleasant.
Melissa’s voice note was the final straw for me. In it, she said:
- I made her feel like she had to edit herself
- I didn’t like it when she went on vacation with her family
- I reminded her of previous failed friendships
- I have a quota for how often I speak to my friends each day
The reframing of blatant fiction was hard for me to wrap my mind around. I had never suggested that Melissa edit herself. I simply refused to be her chauffeur and demanded that if we were to hang out together, she at least met me halfway or came to me occasionally.
The absurdity of telling someone who literally moved to the other side of the world, leaving behind 90% of her friends and all of her family, that they have quotas for how often the communicate, boggles the mind! But Melissa needed to find anything at all to put me down and make me the problem. It’s what narcissists do. Instead of recognising the pattern, instead of honestly looking at the fact that she is no longer on speaking terms with the person who was the maid of honour at her wedding, Melissa constantly argues that she’s not the problem. Instead of recognising that she’s not on speaking terms with her own sister-in-law and mother-in-law, Melissa constantly argues that she’s not the problem.
Narcissists are never the problem. Even when history repeats itself! All they do is find new victims. They never change. They never grow. They never do the work to realise their own shortcomings. It’s always someone else’s fault. Someone else’s issue. Never theirs. Never Melissa’s.
Narcissistic friendships are tumultuous. They are draining and tiring. You never know from one day to the next what kind of friend you’re going to have. What can you do to cope with a narcissist friend? You can set boundaries. You can clearly call them out on their behaviour. But best of all, you can cut ties.
Anyonita is a bi, poly American in Britain. She writes with a confessionalist voice, exploring narrative essays, pop culture, parenthood, sex, relationships and intimacy, race, travel, literature and food.
